PINUP TIME: TRACI LORDS

 

SAMMY PETRILLO'S MY SON, THE PHONE CALLER

As a reply to Mr. Lobo's Cinema Insomnia presentation of Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, aka The Boys from Brooklyn (see March 22, 2026 post), I thought it only fitting to share Sammy Petrillo's classic, crank-call album, My Son, The Phone Caller, as featured on YouTube by Justin & Will of Film Trap.

Recorded in 1963, after Petrillo's Jerry Lewis emulative peak, the album serves lots of goofy fun with improvised bits that went on to influence the Red/Tube Bar and Jerky Boys phone-prank compilations.  

Listen in; you'll get more than a few hardy chuckles from Sammy's off-the-cuff ... er, off-the-receiver antics. 

WISE WORDS:

 

BEN-HUR RETURNS VIA FATHOM EVENTS

William Wyler's Oscar-winning, MGM epic, Ben-Hur, returns to cinemas via Fathom Events on March 29, April 1 & 2, remastered in remarkable 4K, with a special intro by the insightful Leonard Maltin.  

Charlton Heston portrays wrongly accused Jewish prince Judah Ben-Hur, with Stephen Boyd as his anguished accuser and rival, Roman officer Messala. The two engage in a climactic chariot race: one of the greatest action sequences ever put on celluloid.   

The 1959 adaptation is, in fact, based on General Lew Wallace's acclaimed, Christ-period novel of the same name and Fred Niblo's epic, 1925 silent version. 

Milkos Rosa's score may be his finest, and Robert L. Surtees' cinematography is beyond beautiful. The smart and stimulating screenplay was penned by Karl Tunberg, though Christopher Fry and Gore Vidal are said to have contributed to segments. (In 1995, Vidal, in full know-it-all pomposity, claimed that there was more to the Ben-Hur/Messala relationship than is detailed on screen, which some have disputed, but more on that matter for another time.)

What does prevail on screen is as divine as any filmgoer could desire. That Ben-Hur is again gracing theaters is a blessing that all movie buffs can (and should) celebrate, for it's the pinnacle of what great cinema was meant to be.  

Check local listings for theaters and showtimes.

TERRIFIC TEAM-UP IMAGE: GABRIELE DELL'OTTO'S KINGPIN VS DAREDEVIL

 

FOR THE FUN OF IT: TOR JOHNSON AS KINGPIN?

 

I SAW THEY WILL KILL YOU (LET THEM TRY)

If Charade is the Alfred Hitchcock movie that Hitchcock never made, then They Will Kill You (Let Them Try) is the Sam Raimi movie that Raimi never made.

Directed by Kirill (Why Won't You Just Die!) Sokolov, who cowrote with Alex (Predators) Litvak (and coproduced by Andy Muschietti of It fame), They Will Kill You features a sympathetic ex-convict, Asia Reaves, played by Zazie (Joker) Beetz, who ends up employed in a highbrow high-rise called the Virgil, where her sister, Maria, played by Myha'la Herrold, works as a maid. Sounds nice enough, except that the high-rise is run by Satanists, led by Patricia (Ed Wood) Arquette's creepy Lilith Woodhouse, a surname moniker torn from the forbidding frames of Lucio Fulci.

Despite the Woodhouse (Gates of Hell) reference (interwoven as it is with battle scenes reminiscent of Kill Bill), They Will Kill You still adheres ninety-nine percent of the way to Raimi's swift style and Three Stooges buffoonery, thanks in no small part to its immortality-securing, pig-propped fiends. Accompanying Ms. Woodhouse are such cultist frontrunners as Sharon, played by Heather (Austin Powers II) Graham; Kevin, played by Tom (Rise of the Planet of the Apes) Felton; and Ray, played by Paterson (Timeless) Joseph (Woodhouse's janitor "spouse"), none of whom are normal by any stretch and connected to a coalition that wishes to sacrifice Asia to dear ol' Lucifer. The thing is, Asia will have none of it, whether for herself or her embittered sister. 

Asia acts as a female Ash Williams, though she's not as humorous or bumbling as Bruce Campbell's Evil Dead protagonist. I suppose Asia's incessant resilience could place her in the Mary Sue category, but with the supernatural carnage flying as fast as it does, it's just as easy to go along with the outrageous flow, as opposed to browbeating it out of aesthetic principle. 

Though They Will Kill You does slow down in the middle, it otherwise rolls like a high-paced video game and as such, distinguishes itself from something like the slow-burn, Silent Hill set.

There's nothing too profound about this one. It's just gruesome fun for the sake of gruesome fun: a genuine, popcorn movie if ever there was. As long as one's not seeking Hamlet or Citizen Kane, They Will Kill You can't help but tantalize and in the process, quench one's thirst for good ol' bloody thrills.