I saw the Fall of Skywalker...

A long time ago in cinemas across this once virtuous land, "Star Wars" made a cultural impact by presenting basic, good-vs-evil narratives. A few years back, a revival (to kick off "the final trilogy") commenced with a decent enough entry called "The Force Awakens", but the film proved a ruse. It was a sneaky set-up for "The Last Jedi", a diabolical chapter that would stomp the former's finer qualities, while trampling on all that came before: the Ewok adventures; "Rogue One"; comics; novels; radio plays; that recent, you-gotta-subscribe-to-see-it "Mandalorian"; and any number of backyard re-enactments. 

Why the sabotage? Well, the answer is simple. The new filmmakers in their Nazi-like "woke" misconceptions saw fault with what they once loved and set forth to cloak the good-vs-evil concepts with "progressive" shades of gray. They were crafty in how they planted their demon seeds, but old-schoolers saw through their intent and let their dark-side disapproval be known: case in point, the boycott of "Solo". (Well, actually, they paid to see "Deadpool 2" a second time to ensure their money was better spent, while creeping in to see "Solo", only then to decide once was enough.)

"The Rise of Skywalker: Episode IX" acts as an extension of what purists despised about "Last Jedi", but that's not the worst of it. The new chapter is blander than "Solo" and much more nonsensical than the former. With every desperate step, "Rise" takes sluggish delight in defying purists (and that also means those who dig Buck Rogers, Flash Gordon, John Carter, Tom Corbett and Stella Starr), layering on more shine than one can take, while reminding us that though the garnish looks right, the heart and soul of the saga's past (what once made it resonate) is defunct, even when it dares to right an occasional Rian Johnson's wrong. 

I won't pick apart "Rise'"s choppy plot or connect-the-dots lineage, who directed, wrote and did this, that or the other, to make the film fall short, opting instead to keep my analysis character-based, for characters comprise plot, and therefore a story's quality: 

Finn, the once heir-apparent Luke, is again relegated to sidebars, along with Poe Dameron, the gay Han Solo never-was. Granted, they get more to do in this chapter than the last, but they're still overshadowed (surprise!) by little Rey, who is as Mary Sue perfect as when we last saw her. At the same time, Kylo Ren is as unworthy of empathy as his slender rival, albeit from the opposite end: a mere pawn who might have claimed the hateful perch of Darth Vader, except that the filmmakers decided to make him "confused", because what's truly "bad" in this world, let alone the goddamn galaxy? 

Oh, yeah, Billy Dee Williams' Lando Calrissian does surface: far too little, far too late for an icon of his stature (and per accept-it-or-else publicity, "gender fluid", whatever the hell that means), but why bother installing him at all if he's not elbowing Luke, Leia and Han? (And don't even get me started on the Leia and Palpatine resurgences. At this stage, the insertions feel more forced {no pun intended} than flattering or essential.)

Sadly (though without surprise) the "leads" are nowhere near as interesting as the brief Richard E. Grant's General Pryde, a next-generation Grand Moff Tarkin, but even this exceptional actor can't pump enough First Order blood into the tired mythology to make it float. Shoot, even if Grant had been granted more scenes, it's doubtful he could've saved this ponderous, puzzling, clone-laden, canon-negating tack-on.  

I hate the upside-down way this series has turned with every flustered fiber of my soul. I sure as hell can't call the people who reinvented Lucas' saga worthy of my thanks, let alone my friends. (Though they've never met me, they sure don't like me and that goes for the rest of my "deplorable" ilk.)

I don't know if "Rise of" will prove profitable or a flop. I shouldn't care either way; I'm now too distanced from the saga to have it affect me over the long run. If it fails, though, that would initiate a gracious end to the present, twisted dynamic, and the series does deserve that. Perhaps after several, mournful years, the concept could be revived in the spirit of  '77. That sure would be nice, and yet I wonder if "Star Wars" can recover from its "the force is female"/let's double-think-everything rape. 

I mean, really, who'd have ever thought "Star Wars" could crash and burn in such a screw-the-loyalists way? The once thought impossible is now reality. Hope those who did it are ashamed of themselves, but the better part of wisdom tells me they'll stand by their blasphemous crimes, just as all great villains do.