I saw The Fallen Kingdom...

I like dinosaurs and therefore, dinosaur movies. I'm real old school, though, when it comes to the movie behemoths, as you may recall from my June '15 "Jurassic World" review. 

Truly, I don't dislike the "Jurassic" series; but if the installments were presented in one glorious, marathonic lump, the combination couldn't match any of the following on their individual merits: "The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms"; "The Giant Behemoth"; "Gorgo"; "Dinosaurus"; "The Land Unknown"; "The Land That Time Forgot '74"; "The Lost World '25"; "The Lost World '60"; "Journey to the Center of the Earth '59"; "King Kong '33"; "Son of Kong"; "The Beast of Hollow Mountain"; "Valley of Gwangi" ..."Caveman". 

Allow me to clarify: Though I respect Michael Crichton's "Jurassic" concept (a knockoff of his pioneering "Westworld"), I find the franchise (whether in literary or cinematic context) hampered by pseudoscience overload. To boot, the films look dark and fuzzy, like the filmmakers wish to shadow their flaws. The adventures also spew annoying children, who dart around at the most inopportune times, thus cluttering the tension. (I can't stand whiny kids in real life, so why the hell would I want 'em screwin' up a giant-monster movie, unless they're going to be eaten alive, and let's face it, that ain't gonna happen.)

On the positive side, the "Jurassic World'"s sequel, "Fallen Kingdom", stays in step with its predecessor (the most straight-forward since the original, I believe) by minimizing much of the gobbledygook. And still, by hook or by crook, "Fallen Kingdom" manages to distance itself from those wonderful, dino movies I grew up with. Why, oh why?...

Directed by B.A. "the Orphanage" Bayona and written by "Jurassic World" scribes, Colin Trevorrow and Derek Connolly, the island specimens this time require rescue from volcanic demise, only to be transported to a different locale for a different means of remunerative gain. 

Chris Pratt is once again the hero, his Owen Grady perfect for an Indy Jones recasting (alas, executive producer Steve Spielberg favors the lame Indy Jane idea); and Bryce Dallas Howard as Claire Dearing, a would-be Marion Ravenwood/Willie Scott. Grady and Dearing make quite an altruistic, though quarrelsome duo; even when assisted by Justice Smith's Franklin Webb and Danielle Pineda's Zia Rodriguez, who are equally altruistic and argumentative. Grady's pet raptor, Blue, becomes as much a part of this good-guy queue, leaving the other gargantuas full reign to claw apart the volatile scenery. 

(If the truth be known, "Fallen Kingdom'"s creatures are lifted from proposals drawn prior to "Jurassic World", where bipedal, soldier reptiles were to have engaged in clandestine missions. The same concept, more or less, applies to this film, but clearly without the humanoid attributes. I imagine "Fallen Kingdom" might now act as a prelude to bring those ideas to the screen. We'll see...)

As the film's lead villain, Eli Mills, Rafe Spall surpasses the prior chapter's Vincent D'Onofrio's Vic Hoskins in duplicity. Mill's reckless, self-serving need to sell the creatures for profit is downright Faustian, giving the film's subtitle richer meaning. It also makes Mills as dangerous as the specimens he peddles: a demon devoid of redemption, or so one could argue. 

To parenthesize Mill's actions, James Cromwell's Sir Benjamin Lockwood; Ted Levine's Ken Wheatley; and Toby Jones' Gunnar Eversol are just as driven, though each in his own way, while Geraldine Chaplin's Iris and Isabella Sherman's Maisie help form a mysterious twist. (At long last, it's good to see such deep-rooted drives fuel an entire "Jurassic" story, for as we know, there's no tenacity--or ferocity--quite as strong as the human kind.)

Beyond a doubt, "Fallen Kingdom'"s callous, profiteering zeal (so preachy in its anti-capitalistic/militaristic goal) separates it from the other chapters. On the other hand, no matter what the villainy or how intelligent the coerced goods might be, we still face many of the same cliches, including smoky passages and those been-there-done-that, obligatory chases. Okay, granted, sameness can be good for the sake of inserting Jeff Goldblum and B.D. Wang cameos, but there comes a point when all that incessant screamin', scurryin' and splashin' blurs one entry into the other. "Fallen Kingdom" becomes but another frustrating appendage, even with the novelty of dinos placed on the auction block.

Listen, I wouldn't mind if Universal/Legendary Entertainment pumped out "Jurassic" films until the last triceratops stomped home, anymore than I'd have ever minded if Paramount/New Line continued forever and a day with "Friday the 13th". However, to keep something at the top of its game, it's gotta stay a smidgen fresh. (Think about it: Why else  would Sean Cunningham's bloody brainchild be put on hold, while the "Alien" and "Predator" franchises continue?)

Hell, I'm not saying that "Jurassic" needs to spit in the eye of tradition like Kathleen Kennedy has with "Star Wars", but for cryin' out loud, aren't we overdue for some reasonable progression? Why not fashion a full-blown, dinos-attack-a-city story? I know that's nothing new in the giant-monster game, but this franchise has yet to venture full force into it. (Okay, maybe that would be politically incorrect by "Jurassic" standards.) How 'bout an entire movie taking place in damn daylight, where monsters and humans converse without haze or rain or billowing dust? Now, that would be quite a welcome change. 

Anyhow, regardless of its preeminent predictability, I suppose "Fallen Kingdom" is still a decent way to kill some time and resume a sentimental urge to (re)watch similar films. 

For me, though, it won't be any of the "Jurassic" line. I'm edgin' toward Hammer's "One Million Years B.C." You remember that one, don't you? It sports all those wondrous, bright, Ray Harryhausen stop-motion effects ... the one where Raquel Welch and Martine Beswick claw at each other in fur bikinis? Oh, yeah, my kinda dino flick...