PINUP TIME: TRACI LORDS

 

SAMMY PETRILLO'S MY SON, THE PHONE CALLER

As a reply to Mr. Lobo's Cinema Insomnia presentation of Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, aka The Boys from Brooklyn (see March 22, 2026 post), I thought it only fitting to share Sammy Petrillo's classic, crank-call album, My Son, The Phone Caller, as featured on YouTube by Justin & Will of Film Trap.

Recorded in 1963, after Petrillo's Jerry Lewis emulative peak, the album serves heaps of goofy fun with improvised bits that went on to influence the Red/Tube Bar and Jerky Boys phone-prank compilations.  

Listen in; you'll get more than a few hardy chuckles from Sammy's off-the-cuff ... er, off-the-receiver antics. 

WISE WORDS:

 

BEN-HUR RETURNS VIA FATHOM EVENTS

William Wyler's Oscar-winning, MGM epic, Ben-Hur, returns to cinemas via Fathom Events on March 29, April 1 & 2, remastered in remarkable 4K, with a special intro by the insightful Leonard Maltin.  

Charlton Heston portrays wrongly accused Jewish prince Judah Ben-Hur, with Stephen Boyd as his anguished accuser and rival, Roman officer Messala. The two engage in a climactic chariot race: one of the greatest action sequences ever put on celluloid.   

The 1959 adaptation is, in fact, based on General Lew Wallace's acclaimed, Christ-period novel of the same name and Fred Niblo's epic, 1925 silent version. 

Milkos Rosa's score may be his finest, and Robert L. Surtees' cinematography is beyond beautiful. The smart and stimulating screenplay was penned by Karl Tunberg, though Christopher Fry and Gore Vidal are said to have contributed to segments. (In 1995, Vidal, in full know-it-all pomposity, claimed that there was more to the Ben-Hur/Messala relationship than is detailed on screen, which some have disputed, but more on that matter for another time.)

What does prevail on screen is as divine as any filmgoer could desire. That Ben-Hur is again gracing theaters is a blessing that all movie buffs can (and should) celebrate, for it's the pinnacle of what great cinema was meant to be.  

Check local listings for theaters and showtimes.

TERRIFIC TEAM-UP IMAGE: GABRIELE DELL'OTTO'S KINGPIN VS DAREDEVIL

 

FOR THE FUN OF IT: TOR JOHNSON AS KINGPIN?

 

I SAW THEY WILL KILL YOU (LET THEM TRY)

If Charade is the Alfred Hitchcock movie that Hitchcock never made, then They Will Kill You (Let Them Try) is the Sam Raimi movie that Raimi never made.

Directed by Kirill (Why Won't You Just Die!) Sokolov, who cowrote with Alex (Predators) Litvak (and coproduced by Andy Muschietti of It fame), They Will Kill You features a sympathetic ex-convict, Asia Reaves, played by Zazie (Joker) Beetz, who ends up employed in a highbrow high-rise called the Virgil, where her sister, Maria, played by Myha'la Herrold, works as a maid. Sounds nice enough, except that the high-rise is run by Satanists, led by Patricia (Ed Wood) Arquette's creepy Lilith Woodhouse, a surname moniker torn from the forbidding frames of Lucio Fulci.

Despite the Woodhouse (Gates of Hell) reference (interwoven as it is with battle scenes reminiscent of Kill Bill), They Will Kill You still adheres ninety-nine percent of the way to Raimi's swift style and Three Stooges buffoonery, thanks in no small part to its immortality-securing, pig-propped fiends. Accompanying Ms. Woodhouse are such cultist frontrunners as Sharon, played by Heather (Austin Powers II) Graham; Kevin, played by Tom (Rise of the Planet of the Apes) Felton; and Ray, played by Paterson (Timeless) Joseph (Woodhouse's janitor "spouse"), none of whom are normal by any stretch and connected to a coalition that wishes to sacrifice Asia to dear ol' Lucifer. The thing is, Asia will have none of it, whether for herself or her embittered sister. 

Asia acts as a female Ash Williams, though she's not as humorous or bumbling as Bruce Campbell's Evil Dead protagonist. I suppose Asia's incessant resilience could place her in the Mary Sue category, but with the supernatural carnage flying as fast as it does, it's just as easy to go along with the outrageous flow, as opposed to browbeating it out of aesthetic principle. 

Though They Will Kill You does slow down in the middle, it otherwise rolls like a high-paced video game and as such, distinguishes itself from something like the slow-burn, Silent Hill set.

There's nothing too profound about this one. It's just gruesome fun for the sake of gruesome fun: a genuine, popcorn movie if ever there was. As long as one's not seeking Hamlet or Citizen Kane, They Will Kill You can't help but tantalize and in the process, quench one's thirst for good ol' bloody thrills.

COLLECTIBLE TIME: MIMOCUSTOM, 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, HAL 9000 T-SHIRT

"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that." 

I discovered a terrific, 2001: A Space Odyssey Geek T-Shirt from MimoCustom. It's a HAL 9000, cyclopean salute, featuring the above quote. To me, that chilling line epitomizes the precise moment when Dave Bowman realizes he may have reached a harrowing point of no return. Stanley Kubrick/Arthur C. Clark's visual concept then shifts from idyllic space opera to Space Age thriller, making HAL a mechanical Frankenstein for the ages. 

I chose my shirt in basic black, since I believe it contrasts well with HAL's cold, red eye. Also, the quote, in white, stands out in a most striking way.

You, too, can order this stylish, "geek" novelty (along with other Space Odyssey apparel) at 

https://minocustom.com/products/im-sorry-dave

FAREWELL, VALERIE PERRINE

You were one of the most beautiful women in cinema, a "10+" without a lick of debate, and I might add, a mighty effective actress.

Miss (Eve) Teschmacher will always be your signature role and one that made Superman: The Movie and Superman II as special as they are.   

There's also much to be said of your work in Slaughterhouse-Five (as captivating captive, Montana Wildhack); W.C. Fields and Me; Ziegfeld: The Man and His Women; Lenny; The Last American Hero; The Magician of Lublin; Mask of Murder; Reflections in a Dark Sky; Silver Skies; Bright Angel; Maid to Order; The Cannonball Run; Can't Stop the Music; The Fabulous Allan Carr; The Electric Horseman; Steambath; Water; Agency; Malibu; The Border; The Break; Boiling Point; Burning Shore; The Amateurs (aka The Moguls); The Californians; Curtain Call; Marian Ross White; What Women Want; Girl in the Cadillac; My Girlfriend's Boyfriend; A Place Called Truth; The End of the Bar; Brown's Requiem; Sweet Bird of Youth; When Your Lover Leaves; and The Couple Takes a Wife.  

On the episodic side, you visited Walker, Texas Ranger; Faerie Tale Theatre; CBS Summer Playhouse; ER; Third Watch; Homicide: Life on the Street; Just Shoot Me!; Grounded for Life; Burke's Law; Family Law; The Practice; Ghostwriter; The Beast; Northern Exposure; Nash Bridges; Lights Out; As the World Turns, as Dolores Pierce (from 1998-1999); and as Liz Green in Leo and Liz in Beverly Hills. 

You gave it your all and fought like hell, Ms. Perrine, right to the bittersweet end. Please know that we were always at your side, sharing our spiritual support and appreciating your prolific work. You'll now thrive ever stronger in our hearts, and your spirit will always remain inseparable from our own.  

PINUP TIME: TRACI LORDS

MR. LOBO'S CINEMA INSOMNIA: BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA, THIS SATURDAY

Mr. Lobo's Cinema Insomnia 25th Anniversary is upon us, and as a positive precursor (the first in a series of such salutes), our gracious host is showing one of the greatest, "misunderstood" movies of all time: Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla. The 1952 oddity will manifest this Saturday Night (March 28) on Twitch, OSI74/Roku and Amazon Fire, with the preshow shenanigans starting at 10pm. (BTW: The historic contents are set to land on illustrious, collectible Blu-ray, which one can preorder at https://www.osi74.com/.)

When I was a wee lad and discovered Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, I mistook Sammy Petrillo for Jerry Lewis and thought that Duke Mitchell was an alternate costar before Dean Martin came along. Of course, I was wrong, but being that I couldn't read the time, let alone research the matter, I just went with the flow, nurturing my misconception. 

Directed by William (Ghost Chasers) Beaudine and written by Tim (Dead Men Tell) Ryan, the plot pits Petrillo and Mitchell, who portray "themselves," against Lugosi's mad scientist, Dr. Zabor, who wants to implant Mitchell's brain into a gorilla on Kola Kola Island. The headlining duo is chased by lusty, native women (Muriel Landers and Charlita), with Ramona the Chimp layering on much of the mush, as she falls for Petrillo who's happy to ape Lewis throughout every speck of the calamity. Honey-voiced Mitchell cuts in to share his breezy tunes, as Lugosi dons his supreme, sinister form. 

Despite the fact that Lewis wished to seize the flick (i.e. stomp it into oblivion), Brooklyn Gorilla managed to make the prevalent, UHF rounds, and because of its surreal nature, it now inspires further, misunderstood fun, thanks to Mr. Lobo, who parenthesizes it with Lewis-loving, MDA Labor Day Telethon, parody skits, joined by Sally the Zombie Cheerleader, Dr. Sphincter, Countess Bloodsugar (Jessie Seeherman), Dark Sarcasma (Penny Dreadful in disguise!), Dr. Sarcofiguy (John Dimes), the Horsen Milken (Reel 7) Girl and her nifty puppet, Professor Shrimply, good ol' Kogarilla, good ol' Romana and the pugnacious, Petrillo impersonator, Gary Blemish (who, if one can believe the audacity, pitches a Birth of a Nation rock opera), plus a number of surprise guests and fan greetings. To embellish this prolific succession, there are time-warping, nostalgic segments that cover Mr. Lobo's vast, informative career. That's right. This one leaps all over the place to ensure one's utmost, wraparound pleasure.  

It should go without saying that Mr. Lobo's Cinema Insomnia Presents Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla will go down as a wild winner; so make it a point to be part of the untamed hijinks this monumental, Saturday night!